


The Perks of Being Alive

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, there is about 5 percent angst but the rest is pure fluff i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-15 00:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11219334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Baz comes home after a day at university and snuggles up with Simon on the sofa. They talk.





	The Perks of Being Alive

Falling in love with Simon Snow was like being burned alive. It was bruised knuckles, blue eyes, and sleepless nights. It was bad dreams, desperate wishes, and hopeless tears. It was drowning, and breathing, and being alive. It was dying, and feeling, and hurting. It was a stream of sun on a pitch black sky. It was a hand, grabbing my ankle, pulling me down. Falling in love with Simon Snow was a

million things, half of them a tragedy, the other half a miracle.

But all that is nothing compared to being in a relationship with Simon Snow. I feel like I'll wake up any moment to realize that all of this was nothing more than a dream. The whole last year. (Maybe I'm still in that coffin. Maybe I'm dreaming this up just to stay alive.)  
But every time I hold his hand, or he looks at me a certain way, or smiles at me, I think it's all real. And it's like I'm floating, all the time, at least a feet above the ground. Like that scene in Mary Poppins where Jane and Michael visit that man that flies when he's laughing, the more the higher. (Shut up. Mordelia made me watch it.) He comes down to the bottom when you tell him something sad, but I feel like I'm always just flying further and further.

To put it a not so sappy way, it feels like I'm high. On love. (I tried.)  
I'm so ridiculously in love with him, it hurts sometimes. And knowing that I get to go home to Simon every day makes life a lot more magical. (And that says something, coming from a magician.)

I enter Snow and Bunce's flat, kicking my shoes off in the hallway and throwing my jacket over a chair. Then I walk into the living room and dramatically let myself fall face forward onto the sofa. Simon, who crouches under a blanket, makes a startled sound and exclaims: “Baz!”  
I turn around and smile at him. He smiles back, before putting on a stern glance.

“Go tidy your clothes away!”  
“How did you - “  
“Because you always do it, Baz. To annoy me. Come on. Penny's going to be mad.”  
I sigh and obey. Then I crawl under the blanket beside him. I bury my face in his neck and he smells nice. (Not as much of fire as he used to, but still like the forest.)

For a few moments, I just listen to his steady breathing. I snuggle into his warm body. This calms me and I can put my mind to rest for a moment. I want to hold him and never let go. Simon grabs my hand and we shift a little, so that I lay square over his chest. He pulls the blanket over us.

“So, how was your day at university?”  
I sigh again. He knows that I'm always exhausted at the end of the day.

“My lecturer _still_ won't admit that I was right, even though I literally _proved_ it to her. I got into a discussion with another student about human cloning, which _almost_ resulted in a fist fight. Not because of the discussion though, but because of the remark I made about his ex-girlfriend. He broke down crying instead and I had to buy him a cup of coffee.”  
“How was Lorelei?”

Lorelei is the old lady who talks to me every day in the coffee shop while I wait for my order. I keep Simon updated on her life.  
“Sunshine is still not eating and she will take him to the vet tomorrow.”

“That's so sad! What about Bunny and Kitten?”  
Bunny is her other cat and Kitten is her rabbit. I think she named them like this to confuse people.

“They're fine.”  
“Have you still not given her the number of the man who owns the flower shop?”  
“I told you, she doesn't have a phone. Also, Sunshine is her one true love.”

“Pfh.”  
I chuckle.

“Well, anyway, on my way to the shop I saw a teenager who wanted to gain a little money by playing the guitar in the streets. I wanted to give him twenty pounds so he would stop.”  
Simon smacks me.

“I _haven't,_ obviously. Then, there was a fortune teller who wanted to read my future.”  
“What did they say?”  
“That I'll be bold by thirty.”  
Simon laughs at that. (That's not what she told me, but I could never tell Simon the truth.)

“And how was your day?” I ask instead, a bit because I genuinely want to know, a bit to distract him.  
“Terrible. The bakery only had one scone left.”  
“You know, it does you good to eat a little less of these.”  
“I doesn't! I went to the other bakery as well, to buy some more, to which I had to walk an extra ten minutes!”

“Well, at least you're getting a bit of exercise.”

He makes the grunting noise again.  
“Yeah, and then I watch this movie, which started off really good.”  
Simon spends ten minutes explaining the plot of the movie and his thoughts on it and I use the opportunity to stare at him. I let him ramble on and on and watch how his face goes along with his story. It's vivid. I smile and realize that in this moment, I feel absolutely content. I could just lay here forever, and listen to whatever he tells me. It's weird, but I feel safe like this.

“And then he just dies? Just like that? I mean _what the fuck_?! And the worst part is, he died before he could tell her that -”  
Suddenly, Simon stops talking and he seems flustered. I feel like something is going on, because he averts his eyes.

“Simon?” I whisper. “Are you okay?”  
“I. Um.”

He gulps.

“I. I think. Baz.”  
He takes my hand and presses a kiss to my knuckles. Then he smiles sheepishly and my heart beats faster. And then he says it.

“I love you.”  
And just like that, everything stops. I feel like the world is falling out of its angles. _Love? He? Me? He loves? Me? Loves me? He loves, he... He..._

I can't move. I mean, maybe this shouldn't be so surprising. (But perhaps I still can't believe that anyone could love me. Especially him.)

And suddenly, his brows furrow and he reaches out for me.

“Baz?” he whispers concerned. And only then I realize that I'm in tears. _He loves me._

“I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd – Please, stop crying, Baz.”  
But I can't. The tears keep falling.

“I'm sorry. I can't help it, I just... I just can't help loving you,” he whispers and I need him to stop telling me that he loves me. I think I won't survive if he says it one more time.

“Simon,” I mutter. “You know what the fortune teller really said? She told me I should just go ahead and tell you how I feel.”  
“Then why didn't you?”  
“I didn't think you'd want to hear it.”  
“Of course I do,” he says, but he doesn't look at me. As if he thinks I'm about to tell him that I don't feel that way. As if I'm about to say that _love_ is a big word that I'm not ready to use. As if I'm about to tell him that I cry because I'm sad, not happy.

He's wrong.

“It's been like this almost since we met,” I choke out. “I fell for you. And I just... keep falling. I swear it, everyday I wake up and think I love you a little bit more than the day before. And that shouldn't even be possible, because... I love you, Simon Snow.”  
And suddenly he's crying as well and we're kissing and I think. I used to hate my own existence. But now. Right now, I love being alive.

 


End file.
